I emailed my physician friend Rachel for advice, and in the midst of her response was this sentence: “It sounds like you’re living in the land of bad choices.” Reading it, I felt as if my brain had been rearranged, very slightly, to allow me to see the situation in a different way. A helpful way.
One piece of advice helped me navigate my partner’s dementia
By JCA on April 29, 2025
by Sue Dickman for the Washington Post
When someone you love has dementia, people tell you things. Many are true, but only a few are helpful.
It took two years and one pandemic before I finally heard the advice I’d needed all along. I knew I wouldn’t be able to care for Alex by myself much longer, and, in my search for help, I hit one stumbling block after another. I spent months trying to get him into a Medicaid program that supported keeping people in their homes. After starting the application process, I learned that one program offered only one day of assistance per week. The other, which offered three days of help, insisted that Alex could never be outside alone, even in the backyard, a condition I refused to accept. I had been waiting for months for Alex to decline enough to qualify for one of these programs, and now that he had, it seemed as if not much help would be available after all.
Practically speaking, I was living in the land of bad choices. I spent my days weighing out consequences: If I need to go to the grocery store, should I leave Alex at home and then spend my shopping trip wondering what he’s doing? Or should I take him with me? If I take him with me, should I bring him into the store, where I won’t be able to focus on shopping? Or should I leave him in the car, with the risk that, when I return, he might be sitting in the driver’s seat trying to put his house key in the ignition or, as it happened once, sitting in the driver’s seat of someone else’s car? If I just get my groceries delivered, will I ever leave the house at all?